Big Feelings

When I was in preschool, I once got in trouble for calling a boy a “dumbbell.”

In my defense, this was a boy who regularly picked his nose and stuck his boogers on me.

He was also my best friend.  Go figure.

He and I experienced what a lot of young children experience—something called “big feelings.”  And the hardest thing for young children to learn is how to deal with these big feelings.  Some of us never learn to deal with big feelings.  Just turn on the news.  There appear to be a lot of big feelings in Congress, on the roadways, online on social media—there are a lot of people who are still verbally and physically dealing with big feelings as if they were four years old and not grown adults.

There are also a lot of people making a lot of money writing books, doing podcasts, giving TED talks about how to deal with these feelings.

In an episode of Bob’s Burgers, Linda asks her sister Gayle where she keeps her wine.  “I don’t have any,” Gayle responds.

“Beer?” Linda asks.

“No,” Gayle answers.

“How do you relax?” a now incredulous and flummoxed Linda asks.

And Gayle responds simply, “I don’t.”

Every single one of us experiences big feelings.  It’s normal.  It’s how we deal with those feelings that’s the important thing.  Do we deal with them in healthy ways or in destructive or self-destructive ways?  Do we become poster children for passive-aggressive behavior?

Over the past few weeks, we have been reading about the Israelites’ escape from Egypt.  I think it’s safe to say that the Israelites as a group have a hard time dealing with their big feelings.

And they are led by a man, Moses, who definitely has problems managing his emotions.  His first flight from Egypt came about after he killed a man in anger.

In today’s reading from Exodus 33:1-23, we see that the Israelites have gotten on God’s last nerve.  They have pushed God too far.  And the Israelites know this.  It’s like when you were little and you pushed pushed pushed your parents until you pushed them too far and you knew it.  You absolutely knew it and were most likely justifiably terrified.

The Israelites have reached this point with God.  He tells Moses that He will send the Israelites to the land of Milk and Honey but He, God, will not be going with them because He is so frustrated with them, He may kill them.

God’s last nerve.

God also has big feelings.

What happens next is that Moses confides in God his own worries and fears.  God promises Moses that He will be with him, but Moses wants more.  He’s afraid and he’s weary.  He needs God and so he asks to see God.  And so we get this fantastic scene of God passing by Moses who is behind a rock and given him the opportunity to see God’s back.  Not God’s face, for that would surely kill Moses, but God’s back. 

It is a scene I sometimes compare to the disciple Thomas not believing in the resurrection until he touches Jesus, not just sees Jesus, but touches Him.  Thomas also had big feelings.

But what I love is that in these moments, we learn a very important lesson about dealing with trauma and hardship and all the little things that drive us crazy throughout the day.  The way Moses and Thomas deal with those things is by turning to God.

Moses says, “I need to see You.”

Thomas says, “I need to feel You.”

We need God.  And not some ethereal idea of God, but the actual God.  The real deal, whether He’s the one that shines so bright, we spontaneously combust in His presence, or the one who is flesh and blood who let’s us in, the God whose heart we feel beating.

It’s why the most important question we can ask when we have big feelings is this—where did I see God today?

Because actively searching for God is the only way to keep from getting lost.

And we live in a world these days where it is so easy to get lost.

I love that when I asked God to help me find a house, He sent me to a place where I can’t look out the front window and not see Him, almost literally, not figuratively.  I look out my front window and see a church and a sign above the front doors that reads, “House of God.”

It has been a busy week for the House of God.  The past few days, the parishioners of this church have pulled up in front of my house, parked and stepped out in their Sunday best, not just on Sunday, but on Monday and Tuesday too.

Soon the music will start, God’s bass, His beating heart will start pumping.  I can’t hear the words of the song, but I can surely feel them.

There is a church on virtually every block near my house and if it isn’t the House of God, it’s the Catholic church around the corner, its bell ringing to mark the hour.

And if it isn’t a brick and mortar church, it’s the original church, it’s the church of creation, it’s the birds singing and the wind kissing the newly formed spring leaves.  It’s those same birds baptizing themselves in the remnants of last night’s rainstorm.  It’s the rabbits and the flying squirrels that know every tree is a big top circus.  It’s the humming bees and the ever-hungry ants.  It’s everything that lives.

God is there.

And the moment I see Him, the moment I feel Him, that is a big feeling that trumps all other big feelings.

Amen.